every cloud has a smoky gray lining.

j9valjean — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 21:05:05 +0000

I never understand the poor justifications I create for dis-abandoning my faux-logic based methods of handling personal confrontations with other human beings. I suppose it’s all true. Ya never know how you’ll cope with a situation until you physically endure it yourself. I shouldn’t have ever felt above and beyond this seemingly wise axiom. In the end, you will put to rest the logical thing to do in replace for something a little more…human. At least I understand my stupidity, right?
One aspect of life that I’ve grown well acquainted with: loneliness. I’ve found that the refusal to compromise the core makeup of my personality, when it was tested, left me a very lonesome lass. I’ve realized that people who don’t follow the party are far and few to come by, and that almost everyone I know would sacrifice my friendship for enough attention or a few good times. I know now how difficult it is to maintain a friendship with somebody that I’m not in a continual state of agreement with. I know that in order to keep some friends, there will always be a cycle of being metaphorically shit on, followed by bending over backwards like an exorcism patient with apologies, that I will have to endure. I never doubted the shallow and selfish potential that I knew these people had, but it was just too damn easy to fall into the trap fun, friendship and attention present when they actually come around. Moving so much, I never allowed myself the chance to create the same longstanding groups of friends everybody else seems so familiar with. One problem I’ve allowed to occur repeatedly is accepting my boyfriends’ friends as my own. When the relationship ends, so do the parts they all play in my life; I know that scenario too well. Even if my relationship does seem to withstand the test of time, I’ll have to cope with the painful guilt caused by damaging that person’s place in their own group of friends because of my trials and tribulations. I inadvertently bring upon my significant other, and only friend, the same adversity that these people project toward me. I’ve begrudgingly accepted my lonely future, but it’s so difficult to attempt accepting somebody else’s.
I feel mentally exhausted trying to please a group of people who have turned me into such a weak, emotionally compromising person. I used to be moderately content with my loneliness. I am much stronger when I am not coaxing myself to believe that people like me, or that I actually have (god forbid) friends. I have unintentionally allowed myself to become, once again, the problem in these peoples’ lives. I am the hateful, unforgiving, dramatic bitch that completely destroyed a group of simple people void of bullshit. I halfheartedly understand the reasoning behind this ordeal, but will never agree with it. I am either an easy target, or very easy to hate. I am once again in the same position I have been for years, whatever. I am now engaging in my best method of defense: outcasting myself until I become the lovely recluse I once was. Then, I too will I be void of the bullshit; everybody wins.
On a brighter note, I finally bought myself the paintbrushes I needed for a moderately large-scale painting I had been planning on beginning for ages. I have a plethora of books I haven’t read yet, SNES games I still haven’t played, a computer that needs repairs, and I’m only level 24 in that god forsaken game. I’ll be busy in my spare time.

Christmas List ’08

j9valjean — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 20:53:24 +0000

Channeling the more selfish aspect of the Christmas season, receiving, I’ve decided to contrive a list of items I would enjoy owning…at no expense. Mind you, I am also officially a year older on the twenty-ninth of December.

Knitting Supplies. IE: yarn, needles.

Painting Supplies. IE: acrylic paints, paintbrushes, canvas.

Ugly dolls.

Domokun things.

Pandapple things.

A Lil Wayne poser.

Cat toys for Electron, Wookie, and Apple.

Games for my SNES…I don’t have Earthbound, actually. Or Zelda, or any of the Final Fantasy games.

Books!

Cash money.

j9valjean — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 16:44:26 +0000

Why do I bother? The decisions I make puzzle me, and I am stunned at the amount of effort I’ve exerted as of late concerning the social facet of my life. I suppose I was better off without any of what I attempted to acquire in the first place, and I am now realizing I shouldn’t have tried at all. I am out of time, out of patience, out of hope, and full of bitter acceptance. I am reluctantly making the decision I should have made long before now, and am regressing back into past habits and intense reclusion. At least I have myself, and am understandably very angry that I thought otherwise, even if for a moment. I hate my life.

j9valjean — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 09:49:09 +0000

Composed. Not exactly thoughtful, but thoughtfully engaged. Slick as a sheet of ice despite being smooth as a piece of sandpaper. What one facet lacks, another casually replaces in a matter of seconds; I’ve got this. Tonight’s sequence of events has foretold without a single word how the approaching week will transpire once it commences; it’s safe to say I am ready and waiting. I could stay awake for days. Having that feeling again makes me the single most happy person I know.

j9valjean — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:48:17 +0000

I feel so incredibly overwhelmed with the stress of knowing what I should do financially, and the reluctant acceptance concerning what I will do regardless of the knowledge. I dove head first into a seemingly infinite, spiraling mass of shit when I decided to begin using Advance America’s services for extra money… although the decision was hardly one which I could avoid making; I am strapped. I was forced to close my checking account due to the debt I have with the bank, and have shamefully as well as quite significantly damaged my credit because of the same reason. I have felt increasingly apathetic towards most if not all of the aspects in my life; a transition from feeling angry, but not one that I welcome kindly. Analyzing a list of what I have to execute in a day, I have frequently found myself worrying above all else where a shirt I’ve been missing went, or of what crevice aside what couch cushion atop my sofa a lighter might have fallen into. On occasion, I’ll catch myself and wonder why I am subconsciously rearranging my list of priorities against my own will, I feel so helplessly irresponsible…as if I’ve began to regress. Despite my blatant lack of care and effort to progress socially, I have done precisely what the degree of energy I exerted would imply: absolutely nothing. I’ve thought about attempting to make as many people I know and/or do not care about passionately hate me to pass time, and prevent future acquaintances and relationships from ever forming, but I am much too lazy to handle the excitement. Aside from patterns of strange trains of thought and a heartbreaking shortage of solitude and free time, I’ve been trying to finish books to improve my self esteem. I wake up and brew a pot of coffee; always more than I can ever finish alone. I chain smoke cigarettes until I have to begin preparing myself for work, because I know I won’t get but two or three cigarette breaks throughout the remainder of my day. I work, I return home and read, tend to my downloads and sleep, usually after eating a gourmet meal, a package of chicken or beef flavored ramen noodles. Every day, almost every night. I have a cavity so intensely painful that I want to brutally remove it from my mouth with a pair of pliers; at this point, I’d even use a crowbar. I have a consequential migraine atop the glorious feeling of newly emerging wisdom teeth. As a result, I am going to attempt resting after I continue my ongoing study concerning the most efficient and monetarily convenient way to die.

j9valjean — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 19:53:18 +0000

Every day, I learn a little more about what life is and how monetarily consumptive it can be. It seems as though each morning I wake up, I feel dramatically different in comparison to how I did the day before; sometimes for the better, but more often for the worse. Today, however, I decided that I love hating my life. The more increasingly bitter I become, the happier I feel as a result. Hating everything around me has seemed to trigger an energetic burst of joy that stays fueled so long as I continue to hate. The more judgmental, rude, and cruel I can be, the better my life becomes. Everybody else around me are just casualties at this point, I’m on a roll. Since the bout of poor luck ended, my confidence rose to an unnaturally high level. This is what it feels like when you’ve earned one hundred lives in Super Mario World, so life consequentially ceases to matter and you can die as many times as you desire without facing any of the consequences. This is what it feels like after accomplishing a very illegal operation without coming even remotely close to being caught. Hitting a Mercedes and driving away feels very similar to this, but is much more frightening. Finding twenty dollars and keeping it. Topping out your car without worrying about it exploding. Mission: point convey. Status: assessed. I have to work tonight at the Rivercity complex, and I still feel golden. Hello mania, goodbye low.

I have downloaded twenty three of the forty five gbs of music I lost when my external hard drive crashed. In a week, my library will be restored and enhanced.

j9valjean — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 03:16:07 +0000

Sometimes I casually think to myself while driving, all it could take is the brisk and simple twirl of my steering wheel. In the second of time I absorb to blink my eyes, I could be as dead as Heath Ledger. I’ve always wanted to kill somebody, but I never imagined myself doing it inadvertently. I know I’d most certainly want to know ahead of time that the person in question would be a quintessential asshole. Continually expecting the worst to occur, I feel that I am beginning to lose my mind. The sleep deprivation is beating me into a mild but noticeable state of delirium, but I can not sleep through the night if I have to be at work at five am. I suppose I am digging my own grave in this department; I am unable to put the shovel down. For Christ’s sake, I walked into a clothing store with a lit cigarette yesterday. I also reversed my car into a Mercedes in that wretched, cursed parking lot only an hour before…thankfully, quick thinking and fast driving managed to pull me out of that rut. Today, I ran out of gas a block away from the convenient store I was driving to. Not solid, definitely sunk my already sinking battle ship. I am no way, shape, or form superstitious…however, I am sure that I’ll meet my doom Friday the thirteenth; I’m almost certain I’ll end up dying. If I live, maybe the horrid luck I have been experiencing will cease. I am in desperate need of new brake-pads, that’s one more god damned thing I’ll have to spend money on by this week’s cessation. This car is going to end up costing me almost half of what I paid for it by our six month anniversary. Grand Prix? More like a Grand Prick. I have to fill out a financial aid application and contrive ideas to attempt keeping myself awake.

j9valjean — Sat, 31 May 2008 08:49:58 +0000

So, Virlynda read my palm today. I don’t have a heart line; it’s a sign. The black, shriveled up, murmur ridden beat maker in my chest is incapable of ever succeeding in life. Everybody else has a heart line, at least a small one… everyone except me, that is. According to a hokey palmistry site: “Absent Line: Ruthlessness, Logic rules the heart.” I am a monster.

I have to drive into the depths of downtown Jacksonville tomorrow morning for a six and a half hour seminar and barista certification at Starbucks. I am so in debt with the bank, as well as with the credit card goblins. I have to pay Advance America the money I was loaned when I am paid this week, as well as a newly acquired speeding ticket. I owe two different people in my family money now, which is ironic considering that last year I was the one paying everyone else’s bills. Life isn’t good; I need to be saving money for my apartment, but it disappears faster than I can even see it in an envelope. I was thinking about hanging myself earlier tonight, but the risk of possible brain damage in the event of a rescue or failed attempt is too great for me to give it a go around. It’s five in the morning and I have to wake up in three hours, should I decide to fall asleep soon. Unfortunately, I cannot fall asleep until my work clothes are finished washing to put them into the drier. As of yesterday, I am officially enrolled in the funeral services program at FCCJ. I only have two more classes after this semester before I can begin the technical courses, where the fun begins. I have a wicked migraine…when I return home tomorrow evening, I’m hitting a comatose state on the cushions of the sofa in my room. As of now, I am drinking the wrong kind of tea. Chai? I’m thinking hemlock.

j9valjean — Tue, 27 May 2008 00:26:40 +0000

It’s final. I am traveling to the most public area I can, and I am hanging myself in the rabbit costume.

I’m on a roll.

j9valjean — Mon, 26 May 2008 06:26:17 +0000

What did I ever do to deserve this monolithic torrent of shit? Piece by piece, every aspect imaginable in my life has dealt me nothing but negativity and fallen apart. My academic standing, financial status, love life, and family are degrading into predicaments that make me feel like eating hand fulls of sand. I have had miserable luck in the friend department, and even work is beginning to blow. My vocation, which I could at a point not long ago almost admit to enjoying has dealt me nothing but six am shifts for the next couple of weeks. Today, my external hard drive ceased functioning. Roughly fifty gbs of music and all of my pictures are gone. If I can not retrieve the data, I am taking the event as a sign that I am not supposed to live anymore. Each and every time I get into my car, I buckle my seat belt assuming I will total the vehicle and die. Today, after playing hours of Killer Instinct on the SNES with my younger brother, I discovered that I am missing at least several of my games. I couldn’t remember any of Spinal’s combos and lost miserably, over and over again. My ego shrank, dramatically. Sigh, no mercy.