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I never understand the poor justifications I create for dis-abandoning my faux-logic based methods of handling personal confrontations with other human beings. I suppose it’s all true. Ya never know how you’ll cope with a situation until you physically endure it yourself. I shouldn’t have ever felt above and beyond this seemingly wise axiom. In the end, you will put to rest the logical thing to do in replace for something a little more…human. At least I understand my stupidity, right?
One aspect of life that I’ve grown well acquainted with: loneliness. I’ve found that the refusal to compromise the core makeup of my personality, when it was tested, left me a very lonesome lass. I’ve realized that people who don’t follow the party are far and few to come by, and that almost everyone I know would sacrifice my friendship for enough attention or a few good times. I know now how difficult it is to maintain a friendship with somebody that I’m not in a continual state of agreement with. I know that in order to keep some friends, there will always be a cycle of being metaphorically shit on, followed by bending over backwards like an exorcism patient with apologies, that I will have to endure. I never doubted the shallow and selfish potential that I knew these people had, but it was just too damn easy to fall into the trap fun, friendship and attention present when they actually come around. Moving so much, I never allowed myself the chance to create the same longstanding groups of friends everybody else seems so familiar with. One problem I’ve allowed to occur repeatedly is accepting my boyfriends’ friends as my own. When the relationship ends, so do the parts they all play in my life; I know that scenario too well. Even if my relationship does seem to withstand the test of time, I’ll have to cope with the painful guilt caused by damaging that person’s place in their own group of friends because of my trials and tribulations. I inadvertently bring upon my significant other, and only friend, the same adversity that these people project toward me. I’ve begrudgingly accepted my lonely future, but it’s so difficult to attempt accepting somebody else’s.
I feel mentally exhausted trying to please a group of people who have turned me into such a weak, emotionally compromising person. I used to be moderately content with my loneliness. I am much stronger when I am not coaxing myself to believe that people like me, or that I actually have (god forbid) friends. I have unintentionally allowed myself to become, once again, the problem in these peoples’ lives. I am the hateful, unforgiving, dramatic bitch that completely destroyed a group of simple people void of bullshit. I halfheartedly understand the reasoning behind this ordeal, but will never agree with it. I am either an easy target, or very easy to hate. I am once again in the same position I have been for years, whatever. I am now engaging in my best method of defense: outcasting myself until I become the lovely recluse I once was. Then, I too will I be void of the bullshit; everybody wins.
On a brighter note, I finally bought myself the paintbrushes I needed for a moderately large-scale painting I had been planning on beginning for ages. I have a plethora of books I haven’t read yet, SNES games I still haven’t played, a computer that needs repairs, and I’m only level 24 in that god forsaken game. I’ll be busy in my spare time.

~ by j9valjean on February 26, 2010.