I feel so incredibly overwhelmed with the stress of knowing what I should do financially, and the reluctant acceptance concerning what I will do regardless of the knowledge. I dove head first into a seemingly infinite, spiraling mass of shit when I decided to begin using Advance America’s services for extra money… although the decision was hardly one which I could avoid making; I am strapped. I was forced to close my checking account due to the debt I have with the bank, and have shamefully as well as quite significantly damaged my credit because of the same reason. I have felt increasingly apathetic towards most if not all of the aspects in my life; a transition from feeling angry, but not one that I welcome kindly. Analyzing a list of what I have to execute in a day, I have frequently found myself worrying above all else where a shirt I’ve been missing went, or of what crevice aside what couch cushion atop my sofa a lighter might have fallen into. On occasion, I’ll catch myself and wonder why I am subconsciously rearranging my list of priorities against my own will, I feel so helplessly irresponsible…as if I’ve began to regress. Despite my blatant lack of care and effort to progress socially, I have done precisely what the degree of energy I exerted would imply: absolutely nothing. I’ve thought about attempting to make as many people I know and/or do not care about passionately hate me to pass time, and prevent future acquaintances and relationships from ever forming, but I am much too lazy to handle the excitement. Aside from patterns of strange trains of thought and a heartbreaking shortage of solitude and free time, I’ve been trying to finish books to improve my self esteem. I wake up and brew a pot of coffee; always more than I can ever finish alone. I chain smoke cigarettes until I have to begin preparing myself for work, because I know I won’t get but two or three cigarette breaks throughout the remainder of my day. I work, I return home and read, tend to my downloads and sleep, usually after eating a gourmet meal, a package of chicken or beef flavored ramen noodles. Every day, almost every night. I have a cavity so intensely painful that I want to brutally remove it from my mouth with a pair of pliers; at this point, I’d even use a crowbar. I have a consequential migraine atop the glorious feeling of newly emerging wisdom teeth. As a result, I am going to attempt resting after I continue my ongoing study concerning the most efficient and monetarily convenient way to die.

~ by j9valjean on June 12, 2008.