Sometimes, I wonder about my lack of emotion when I am presented with situations I know should have an effect on me. Maybe, my heart is so busy making extra beats that it doesn’t have the time to register those kinds of…issues. Maybe I am subconsciously trying very hard not to have feelings, or maybe I am over analyzing the matter, as I always have an obnoxious inclination to do that. I suppose, the real answer lies in focusing all my care and attention into one object(s) to prevent ever having the urge to emotionally invest in anyone else. I have a spoiled pet rat, spoiled younger siblings, a few minor but rather unhealthy addictions, and am slowly becoming more and more obsessed with my appearance. At least I am honest.
As of late, I have been downloading massive amounts of ’90s rap and pop hits, and music one could find hiding in in the play-list in any of the Now! That’s What I Call Music albums (1-8). Time to complain! I have been spending too much money much too carelessly, and am failing two of the four classes I am taking this semester. I have had intense urges to get in my car and drive as far away from here as possible, or off a cliff to say the very least. Epic death number 4,567, for the win. My calves are sore as a result of all the Dance Dance Revolution I have been playing, and I feel moderately pathetic as a result. My nails have been bitten so short that a few of them have started to bleed, and I have been having these damned heart palpitations too frequently for comfort. Court in the morning, meaning consequential fines I can barely afford to pay, and half a day wasted in my small and insignificant life. Out of cigarettes, thirsty as hell, in need of a hot shower and a pot of fresh coffee.
As of late, I’ve felt as if a presumably unimportant and minuscule piece of me has been removed and replaced with something new. Consequentially, my thought patterns and emotional process feel unsettled, relatively altered. I would like to have woken up with a sense of motivation or self worth instead, but I’ll keep the whining to a minimum. I wish I could have gone to Jacksonville to buy a full-body animal costume today, but it’s the zombie savior’s sacrificing day of the week, or some shit.
I am too young to hate my life, but I’m enjoying the changes. Keep it frequent, life.