To be frank, my life is boring. To ease my pathetic lack of patience for an outside agent to excite my life, and my overwhelming case of ennui, I’ve decided to start contriving games to keep myself occupied. I am dedicating the first one to those mass-produced and very hideous Salt Life stickers, crudely plastered onto the windows of every last vehicle in a thirty mile radius from here. I’ve decided that on one of these late and lonely nights, I am going to grace Fernandina with my presence…only to grace the tires of said vehicles with a sharp knife. There will be no exceptions, as my fun will end up consequentially lessened by one taunting, horrid little fashion statement that will cause me to want to break things. Should you strive to become less of a revolting tool, take heed to my warning, and try desperately to peel the sticker from your window in vain, there is something you can do to avoid my wrath. You must find a lamb, slaughter it, and smear its innocent lamb blood over the windshield of your vehicle by midnight tomorrow. That is all.

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